I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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