You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
