If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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