my cup is half full, half full of rum.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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