wanna go halves on a baby?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
