....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
