I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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