May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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