i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
