just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
