Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
