I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize