I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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