On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
