Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize