Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize