they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I want is dick and wine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
