this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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