There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize