someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
