So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ladies don't puke and tell
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
