I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize