Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
