I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
