just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
