Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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