bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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