omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
