Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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