Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Only a mothe r could love this liver
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
