Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.

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