naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
