Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize