did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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