Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
