I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
