When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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