how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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