I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
