You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
