Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
