my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Panties = found
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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