This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
where are my eyebrows?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize