My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
