woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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