Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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