Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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