and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
