How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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