Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
