There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
