I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
