u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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