im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
