I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize