break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
