i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
