everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the day after is always just damage control
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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