I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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