And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
