absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
