my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I party with great urgency now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
