What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
