i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize