My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
